Mirror of An Inward State

As move through the Lent season, today I am partnering with my sisters over at She Reads Truth to take a look at a penitential Psalm from David, Psalm 38.  

Have you ever experienced a season in life when everything is going is wonderfully and you give yourself a pat on the back for a job well done? You think to yourself, "God must be really pleased with me right now. He is blessing me for all of my accomplishments."

Sisters, I have been there. But this is a very dangerous road. It leads, sometimes quite deceitfully, to legalism. Anything magnificent that we do in this life is because the Spirit reaches through us toward an aching world. It is not of ourselves.

David's Psalm-his petition to God to forgive him for his depraved, sinful state- is like holding up a mirror to the depths of our hearts. We are not worthy. Not a single one of us. None of us are entitled to the grace and mercy God freely gives to those who repent and believe on his name, but because of who He is, because of the very essence of his character and his being, he gives it to us.

David does not ask that he not be punished. He simply asks God to discipline with mercy and not anger. As a father reprimands a child, so God will often let us experience a season of difficulty or consequence to draw us closer to Him. To let us be painfully aware of our need for Him.

As we approach Him, let us be like David. He drowns out the mindless talk of everyone else who is around him saying, "But I, like a deaf man, do not hear; And I am like a mute man who does not open his mouth." (Psalm 38:13 NLT) Instead of trying to defend his reputation or plead his case, he leaves it in the Lord's hands. The safest place to rest.

When we acknowledge our sin and lay it down before God, not trying to hide or excuse it or manipulate Him into overlooking it, we find peace. We can find sweet respite in the assurance that our Savior is just, forgiving, and compassionate. 

There in his firm grasp is where our sin, our utter blackness, meets Hope. 

Clearing the Clutter

Replenish me with your living water, O God.

I love the ambiance of the Christmas tree and the quiet glow of the decorations that surround the house during December, but honestly, I also love the way the house feels after I take it all down.  Uncluttered.  Returned to it's normal state. More spacious. Our tree was so dried out from the weeks it tried to survive until Christmas that I practically needed body armor to remove the decorations from it's prickly branches. To me, taking the tree down is symbolic of the New Year: A fresh start, new beginnings, a clean slate.

Although the holidays were filled with amazing memories, lots of extra calories, and trips to see loved ones we don't have the opportunity to visit often enough, they also left me feeling a little drained. When asked by a friend what my husband got me for Christmas, I realized how well he knows me. A 90 minute massage. When I first saw the gift card in my stocking I wondered, "Will I even be able to move after that long?" But maybe not being able to move wouldn't be such a bad thing. I am cashing it in. And soon.

I wrapped up the end of 2013 by completing a Proverbs 31 Ministries online Bible study of A Confident Heart by Renee Swope. During the one of the last chapters of the book, she has her readers complete a personality test, with the goal being to learn more about the person God created you to be and embrace the personality traits He's given you. I'd taken the same test when I was in high school, and I learned that while I have grown spiritually, become more confident, and less introverted, my personality is the same. I am a Phleg-Mel. You can read more about this personality here. In a nutshell, my personality type strives for peace and perfection, which are often at odds with each other.

With these character traits, the holidays can often be a stressful time.  I want to make it to every holiday party so as not to disappoint everyone. I want to find the perfect gifts but stay within our budget. And at the end of it all, I just want to lie down and hibernate for the rest of winter.

One of the important truths I learned from that last Bible study of the year is that "not all good things are God's things." (Renee Swope) While meeting the expectations of everyone who enters my life may feel necessary and important, not only is it impossible, but it's likely not in line with what God wants for my life. My goal? To walk in the Spirit. To respond to His still small voice and pursue the calling God has for my life. Often, that means saying "no" to people I care about so I can focus and doing what God's wants me to do, and doing it well.

Often, I feel as though I'm being pulled in a hundred different directions, and that still voice fades into the distance, drowned out by the noise of the demands of little mouths, the running of the dryer, and the endless annoying dinging of my phone. These responsibilities are important, but my goal, what I strive for, is to always put God first. As I was reminded by a recent devotion, it's ok to tell me five year old that I need a few minutes to read God's word. And how awesome is that for my child to see me making time for Him?

God, as I immerse myself in your Word, I know that I will hear your voice more clearly. You have stated that if I seek your Kingdom first, all these things will be added to me. Things I worry about but should place at the foot of the cross. I pray 2014 will bring me even closer to you. Amen.

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

Is God Enough?

I've walked the road of trying to fill myself with things other than God many, many times.  And every time, I have failed.  Whether it be staying busy, shopping for clothes I didn't need, or having one more drink, nothing sustained me and filled me like the grace and love God poured into my life when I sought Him for the first time.  It is a daily commitment and oftentimes, struggle, to keep Him at the center of my life, but as Paul writes in Galatians, "I have been crucified with Christ so I no longer live, but Christ lives in me."  It is only by the Spirit that I can live the life God has planned for me.  I make the decision to live by the Spirit instead the flesh moment by moment, day by day.  And when I fail, He is there to pick me up again when I return to his loving arms.  Although in this life we only catch little glimpse of his glory in comparison to what awaits us in Heaven, it is in those moments when I sense his presence and know I've done his will that I feel most complete.

Only Jesus, the name that is above all names and by which every knee shall bow, is enough. He is sufficient to cover my sin, to pay the the debt which I never could.  "For if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!" (Gal. 2:21)  Even though there are times I try to perform, behave, or meet some arbitrary standard of worthiness, I always find myself at the foot of the cross, the only place where I am righteous in the sight of God.

I believe many women spend their lives searching for that special friend or soul mate who truly "gets us." Who understands our little quirks and nuances.  Who doesn't get angry when we fall short because they understand we are only doing our best.  I spent much of my life trying to find that person as well.  But the truth is, God is in the only one in this universe, or any universe, who truly understands the depths of our being.  He made us and knows things about each one of us that we don't even grasp ourselves.  As in says in Psalm 139:1, "Oh Lord, you have searched me and you know me."  

Searched me.  Wow.  I don't know about you, but that statement blows my mind.  When I look up the word search in the dictionary some of the definitions which are listed are, "to examine thoroughly in order to find something," and some synonyms are "look through, forage for, seek, leave no stone unturned."  Is there anyone one this earth you can say has searched you?  My guess would be no.

I'm eternally grateful that I have a God who knows every aspect of me and my personality, yet loves me anyway, to walk through this life with me.  We will not leave this journey here on earth without battle wounds, some of us more than others.  But God's endless love and provision is enough to get us through to the finish line.  One of my favorite books in the Bible is Philippians, and it remind us that, "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Phil. 1:6)  When I remember this promise, I am filled with peace in the midst of the storm.

Why Worry?

Sometimes I imagine myself physically tossing my worries and 

anxiety into the ocean, to be swept away to a distant land.

Earlier this week I was practicing an act I've been prompted toward by some spiritual leaders in my life.  I was praying God's word and speaking his promises out loud.  This action is also mentioned in the opening chapters of a Bible study I've been doing, A Confident Heart by Renee Swope. I spent weeks resisting the idea because I felt silly walking around my house talking, seemingly, to myself, but the more I engaged myself the more I realized what I'd heard and read was true.  I wasn't distracted.  My mind wandered less frequently.  I felt conviction in what I was praying.

One of the verses I prayed during my time alone with God was Philippians 4:6, which gives a prescription for worry and anxiety.  Instead of feeling anxious, we are to trust God. We present our requests to Him.  We surrender our circumstances to Him and thank Him continually.  Then the peace of God will fill our hearts and minds, and we will be free.  Although the instructions are fairly simple and straightforward, often the practice of them is not as easy.  Or so I discovered as the day progressed.

I sat down later and began studying chapter nine of A Confident Heart, which is entitled, "When Doubt Whispers, 'I Can't Stop Worrying'" and was just finishing up a blog post when my Dad called.  He started the conversation with our normal small talk and then blurted out that my mom was in the hospital with symptoms of what she thought was a minor stoke.  The only word I heard in the entire summary was the word "stroke."  My independent, stubborn, seemingly healthy mom.  My mom who hasn't spent a day in a hospital since the birth of her children.  I tried to mask my nervousness by asking tons of questions.  Questions which he didn't have the answers to.  Tests and more tests were needed.  The ones they'd already conducted were inconclusive.  By the end of the phone call I realized that I could only do one thing.  Wait.

Like most people, I do not like waiting.  My parents live over five hundred miles away so my natural instinct, which was to jump in the car and race to the hospital, was not feasible.  My five-year-old was still in school, my youngest was napping, and after I called my husband and relayed the news, I was left alone in a quiet house with my thoughts.  Thoughts which, unless they are focused and filled prayer and God's Word, can become very dark and negative in those types of situations.

I believe that when I prayed from Philippians and read the chapter about worry that morning, God was preparing my heart and mind for the coming news.  As I waited for more information and test results I recited that verse again and again, focusing on the words and trusting that God would protect my mom.  I thanked him for all the blessings in my life.  As I focused on everything I had to be thankful for, the dark thoughts became less overwhelming.

My mom is being released from the hospital today, and although she will have to undergo physical therapy to regain function of her right arm and hand, which were affected, her spirits are high and her brain alert.  I am amazed not only by her strength and determination, but by God's provision and the many people who prayed, visited, and called.  She was surrounded by people who loved and supported her both near and far away.

Being given a stark reminder of your parent's mortality is heart wrenching.  As a child, you want to protect them from harm in the same way they watched over you as you were growing and return the act of love they communicated throughout life.  But when circumstances spin beyond control, you can turn inward or reach outward.  Toward the God who is sovereign and holds the whole world in the palm of his hand, toward friends and family who love you and love the people who mean the most.

As I look back on the past few days, I am amazed to see God's hand and how he cared for each of us.


"You go before me and follow me.  You place your hand of blessing on my head." Psalm 139:5 NLT

Unpacking John 1:12

Today I am participating in Proverbs 31 Ministries' blog hop as we study A Confident Heart by Renee Swope.  This is an online Bible Study which will be taking place over the next six weeks.

For this week's  topic I am unpacking John 1:12. In other words, taking a closer look at this verse and telling you what it's meant to me.

Although I've steered away from the verse mapping so far during this study, I couldn't resist the urge to unpack this verse because the book of John has meant so much to me since becoming a follower of Jesus in 2009. John 1 is, to me, one of the most powerful passages in scripture.

It's important before we look at the actual verse to keep in mind what John is trying to accomplish in writing this Gospel. Each book of the Gospel had a specific purpose, and John's was no different. Others were to show Jesus was Messiah, Savior, and King. John's was to show Jesus is God.

In the verses leading up to John 1:12 the author is establishing the fact that Jesus was both fully human and fully God, and He always has been, even before the foundation of the earth. He is the eternal source of all light and truth.

In verse 12 we read, "Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God."

The following words stood out to me while reading and meditating on this scripture:

All:  every, any. Jesus is not just for the Jew but for the Gentile also. For everyone who accepts Him. Just as Adam and Eve were given the choice of whether to obey God or go their own way, we are given free will. The Holy Spirit will pull at our hearts, but the decision is ours.

Received:  accepted, to take into one's possession, as in gifts. The freedom and life we have in Jesus is a gift. We do not have to work for it or earn it.

Name:  identity, designation. Accepting Jesus also means believing in who he is. He is the Son of God, the only way to eternal life.

Children:  son, daughter, family. When I become born of God I am a new creation. I have been spiritually reborn. Although I will still have fleshly desires and temptations, because of the Spirit in me, I no longer am a slave to them. 

When I let these words and their meaning resonate in my heart, I am overwhelmed by the grace and beauty of the simple message. God left his Heavenly home, his Father and all the unfathomable glories in his grasp to be a mere human and die for me, a sinner. All I had to do is receive the free gift extended to me to have freedom from the power death had over me. I am eternally grateful and will forever praise His Name, the Name above all names.

At the Well

Today I am participating in Proverbs 31 Ministries' blog hop as we study A Confident Heart by Renee Swope.  This is an online Bible Study which will be taking place over the next nine weeks.  

For today's blog hop topic I read chapter 2 of Renee's book and looked at the story of the Samaritan woman at the well in John chapter 4.  As I read the story, our study leader Melissa Taylor challenged us to ask God to meet us in the story, see if there are areas of our hearts that need repair, and identify similarities between our story and the Samaritan woman's.

image courtesy of wikimedia.org

The story of the Samaritan woman in John chapter 4 touches me on so many levels.  From the way Jesus gets straight to the heart of the matter to the way he seeks out this woman who had probably been rejected by her community for years.  I love how Renee Swope points out in her book A Confident Heart that while most Jews simply traveled around Samaria to avoid having anything to do with this loathed people, Jesus was very intentional about going through Samaria.  He knew his Father had work for him to do there. 

I can identify with the woman at the well because like her, I often try to avoid the issues which most deeply affect my heart.  As Renee talks about in chapter 2, I often would rather tell people I'm "fine" than delve into the problems of my life, fearing that the burden would be too heavy for most or that I will push people away.  Other times, I feel as though my troubles are trivial in comparison to what's going on in someone else's life.  I begin thinking about those living in third world countries who struggle to provide food and clean water to their families, and wonder why I can't seem to handle all the resources and blessings God has given me in a responsible way.

I believe the Samaritan woman deeply desired just to be seen.  To be loved for who she was.  She was with her fifth man, a man who didn't even want to commit to being her husband.  Often, I struggle with the desire to be seen also, and lately, what I feel God pressing repeatedly onto my heart is "I see you."  I believe it's a lifelong lesson but it's one I've really been in the trenches of lately.

Being a stay-at-home mom is often a thankless job.  I love my children with all of my heart and I do not question my decision to devote my time to them, but often I just want more of…something.  I started blogging about four months ago because although I've been writing since a very young age, I felt as though God was pushing me to share my writing with others.  Often, when I look at my statistics, I wonder why I continue.  And then I hear God gently saying again, "Keep going.  I see you.  I will complete the work I started in you."

My dream is become a published writer for Women's Ministry.  I believe this is a God-given dream that he has placed in my heart, and that He will see it to fruition.  But like so many women, I often doubt myself.  I am hoping through this study, I will replace my doubts with confidence.  I know that God's timing is always perfect, but as humans we often want to just get to the finish line, get the next item checked off our list, and see instant results.  But this boxed way of thinking is not how an infinite God operates.

God, help me to see that your plans are always better than my own.  You cause all things to work for good for those who love you.  I love you so much, God, and although I often feel weak, because your power is made perfect through my weakness, I am strong.  Thank you so much for this promise.  In Jesus name, Amen.

No Longer a Slave

photo courtesy of www.popscreen.com

Last Saturday I had the privilege of attending my first Beth Moore Living Proof Live simulcast.  After my experience, it definitely will not be the last.  There are people in this life whose anointing of the Spirit is so evident, so transparent, that it moves you to tears.  Beth Moore is one of them.  Although all of us who are in Christ have this anointing, the power in her speaking and the way she is able to illustrate things with conviction and humor is amazing.

This year's simulcast theme was called, "No Longer."  The subject was grace.  Many of us, including myself,  still live and think as though we are under the law even though we have accepted Christ as our personal Savior.  We confess our sin but do not believe we have been forgiven, or feel as though we have to confess it over and over.  We constantly think that God is disappointed with us.  We live with anxiety, fear, and jealousy.  We feel as though we must continue in close relationship with those who hurt, betray, and abuse us.  In other words, there are certain aspects in each of our lives which, once we belong to Christ, need to hear a loud "no longer."

As she was speaking, I found myself repeatedly saying, "Yep, that's me. Mmhmm." I struggle with many of these habits of carrying around my "old self." I compare myself too often to others and feel as though I don't measure up in some way, which leads to feelings of jealousy. I often become anxious when I am facing a major changes in my life or am preparing for a major project. I don't allow myself enough time, become overly stressed, and then lash out at those I love. This leaves me feeling remorseful, and I feel the need to repeatedly ask forgiveness. 

Did you know that in all of the translations of Scripture the word "disappoint" is only used a handful of times, and it is never used to describe God's feeling toward his children?  He is the beginning and the end.  He knows your story.  He cannot be let down or disillusioned.  In fact, in the few times it is used, the word "disappoint" depicts what we will not  feel once we belong to Him.  His hope will not disappoint.  His love will not fail.  He gives you everything you need to break old, damaging habits. 

I don't know about you, but all of this leaves we feeling rejuvenated, refreshed, and ready to put on my dancing shoes. But what is the next step? 

In order to live out a lasting "no longer" we must realize that we are not under the law, but  grace.  As Romans 6:6 states, "For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might we done away with, that we should no longer be a slave to sin-because anyone who has died has been freed from sin."  Carrying around our old sin is like carrying around a corpse.  It stinks.  It weighs us down.  It keeps us from living a full, abundant life, which is what God desires for each of us.  As Beth stated, "Grace is not our permission to sin and stay in the same pattern; it is our permission to go."  God, through his grace, give us the ability to rid ourselves of habits of self destruction.  Anything in your life that becomes a stronghold is making you a slave to your old self.

Identify your what the strongholds in your life are. Some of mine are comparisons and jealousy, anxiety and guilt. When I begin feeling this things, I need to name it for what it is: sin, confess it to God and believe I have been forgiven. It's cast as far as the east is from the west.

 Another words, forgotten. Poof. Move on.

Also look for things in your life which trigger those feelings. If it's social media for example, take a break or turn it off when you feel your thoughts going in a harmful direction. If it's a person who constantly betraying or hurting you, you may want to distance yourself from that relationship. Forgiveness does not always mean maintaining close contact. (2 Thessalonians 3:14)

Sisters, we are no longer slaves, but heirs.  As Galatians 4:6 states, the Spirit God has given us cries out "Abba," Father. It is not a spirit of fear, anxiety, jealousy or self-condemnation.  It is one of peace, joy and comfort.  Earnestly seek God and he will fill you with what you lack.  Abide in his word.  Meditate on his promises.  He will never leave you or forsake you.  He is waiting for you to sit and talk with him, and tell him what's on your heart.

"We will see the face of Grace and need grace to bear the beauty." -Beth Moore