Sharing it All

I lost count of the number of unfinished books I have sitting on the shelves and in the library tab of my Nook. Oh, I've finished plenty at some point or another. But it's crazy to think of how many I've opened, excited by the smell of the newness of it or the title glowing on the tablet, only to put it down several weeks later and leave untouched for months or even years. There are so many aspects of life where this habit is easy to fall into. Our health. Our fitness. Our finances. Our relationship with God. We think that our in our inertia, something will change despite our lack of effort and unwillingness to act. 

I'll quit smoking after I have one more cigarette. I'll start my new exercise regimen right after I eat this donut and watch Grey's Anatomy. I'll talk to my kids about Jesus as soon as I read this article about how to talk to my kids about Jesus.

That last one? Me. Guilty. It's not that I don't share. But I sometimes I hesitate or stumble over my words. It's awkward when I feel as though it should be easy.

You see, and I'm going to be completely honest here, when it comes to sharing the Gospel with my kids, I often struggle. I overcomplicate it. I confuse even myself. There may be some moms out there who have it all figured out and impart the greatest news of all eternity to their children with grace and ease, but me? I'm not one of them. Maybe it's because to me, telling my kids about my Savior is one of the most important things I could ever do, and I don't want to mess it up. And seeing my kids follow Jesus is my life's greatest desire. 

Let me just interject here and say I know it is not up to me. That it will be the act of faith my children take and the grace of God that saves them. Not me, certainly not me. But do I believe I play an oh so important role? Absolutely.

One fact I've learned about kids: Kids are simple. They haven't taken philosophy 101 and will not bombard you with questions about why God allows bad things to happen to "good" people. Kids, at least at my boys' ages, believe because you believe. And while I know it will not always be this uncomplicated, at this stage in their lives I need to embrace where they are.

Having discovered that, I found a series of books that Chris and I began reading several months ago with Jaden which he absolutely loves: The Hermie the Caterpillar books by Max Lucado. I discovered Lucado's adult writings a few years ago and have grown leaps and bounds in my walk with Jesus as a result of them, but I recently found that he also has books for children. The Hermie series does an amazing job of explaining prayer, forgiveness, and growing into the unique person God created you to be. When we first started going through these books with Jaden, he wanted to read them every night.

I also found a great children's devotion, which is a little above Gabe's level but is perfect for Jaden: Five Minute Devotions for Children by Pamela Kennedy. It is filled with beautiful watercolor pictures and draws parallels between various animals and the way God cares for  each of us.

Another hard lesson I've learned: comparing my kid's spiritual walk to other kids, or whatever I perceive theirs to be will not only drive me nuts, but will not accomplish anything. When I see another mom post on Facebook that her four-year-old just accepted Jesus as her Lord and Savior I think, "That's wonderful. Beautiful." I really, honestly do. But I also wonder, "Am I missing something here? Is there something I should be doing that I'm not?" 

Then I remember, that with all the moms and dads God could have chosen to parent our two amazing boys, he chose us. He chose us for a reason. 

Our kids are as special and unique as the fingerprints their messy hands leave all over the house. They, through their own act of free will, will make the decision to follow Jesus in their own time. I believe it. I trust it to be so.

Lastly, if we earnestly seek God's help in our parenting, He will give it. He will give it abundantly. If we need encouragement and reassurance, He will give it freely. A few weeks ago I was beating myself up about all of the aforementioned things, and my boys left for a couple of days with the grandparents to give Mom and Dad some much needed alone time. When they returned, we were refreshed, missed them terribly, and after showering them with hugs and kisses sat down to dinner with family, which included two of their cousins. One of them suddenly says excitedly, "Can we say the grace?! Can we say the grace?!" And then I realized my little Jaden was saying the dinner prayer with them while he was away. And they were joyous about it. It was just what I needed at that moment in time to say, "Keep going. You've got this." It was huge.

With any aspect of my life, if I want to see growth I have to act. I have to be intentional. And my kids? Well, if I'm not talking about Jesus then chances are they aren't going to be either. I can take them to church, AWANA, Sunday school and the like and all of those activities are time well spent. But the people my kids look to at this oh so important, fleeting stage in life for the answers, the lessons, the grace and the discipline are their parents.

God has carried me this far, and I know He will be just and faithful to guide my steps on the journey ahead. I cannot do it on my own, but with His strength lifting me up, all things are possible. Things beyond my wildest imagination.


"Come to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know." Jeremiah 33:3

Do You See?

It's Friday.  Where hundreds of writers come together every week over at the lovely Lisa-Jo Baker's blog to spend five minutes writing about one thing.  One word.  No hyper-editing.  No getting in your own way.  Just writing, flat out.  The most important rule: encourage the writer who linked up before you.  Won't you join us?

Today's prompt: See


GO:

It was a question that darkened the corners of my mind during those long winter months with the sub-artic temperatures.  Do they see me?  The moms at the play dates chasing their kids around the mat room.  The family members on the phone as I listen to countless stories of heartache and worry, uttering prayers they'll never hear, never know about. My two little beacons of joy, running around the house chasing each other with boundless energy.

These people I do life with, do they see me as an open book or a closed door? Do they see my spirit reaching out between the lines and words, searching for that glimpse of grace? That knowing nod that says, "I get you. I'm here."

When I put on a brave face for my oldest son after he tells me he was teased on the bus ride home, does he see how my heart breaks, how I long to wrap him in my arms and protect him from the evil of this world, from ever being sad or lonely or rejected?

As I look at my blog statistics and see the numbers plummet, the comments non-existent, I wonder if people see what I'm trying to convey. Does the essence of my message shine through the black and white on the page?

Suddenly, I hear a whisper coming through the dark thoughts, first so faint I can barely hear it, then louder, clearer. 

"I see you."

"I have searched you."

"You are mine."

As the tears stream down, I am filled with gratitude that He found me.  That he chose me.  And through his grace, I see that I am part of something even greater than I can imagine. Each act of love, each step to reach out made through Him. He knows. He sees. He will shine.

STOP.

Clearing the Clutter

Replenish me with your living water, O God.

I love the ambiance of the Christmas tree and the quiet glow of the decorations that surround the house during December, but honestly, I also love the way the house feels after I take it all down.  Uncluttered.  Returned to it's normal state. More spacious. Our tree was so dried out from the weeks it tried to survive until Christmas that I practically needed body armor to remove the decorations from it's prickly branches. To me, taking the tree down is symbolic of the New Year: A fresh start, new beginnings, a clean slate.

Although the holidays were filled with amazing memories, lots of extra calories, and trips to see loved ones we don't have the opportunity to visit often enough, they also left me feeling a little drained. When asked by a friend what my husband got me for Christmas, I realized how well he knows me. A 90 minute massage. When I first saw the gift card in my stocking I wondered, "Will I even be able to move after that long?" But maybe not being able to move wouldn't be such a bad thing. I am cashing it in. And soon.

I wrapped up the end of 2013 by completing a Proverbs 31 Ministries online Bible study of A Confident Heart by Renee Swope. During the one of the last chapters of the book, she has her readers complete a personality test, with the goal being to learn more about the person God created you to be and embrace the personality traits He's given you. I'd taken the same test when I was in high school, and I learned that while I have grown spiritually, become more confident, and less introverted, my personality is the same. I am a Phleg-Mel. You can read more about this personality here. In a nutshell, my personality type strives for peace and perfection, which are often at odds with each other.

With these character traits, the holidays can often be a stressful time.  I want to make it to every holiday party so as not to disappoint everyone. I want to find the perfect gifts but stay within our budget. And at the end of it all, I just want to lie down and hibernate for the rest of winter.

One of the important truths I learned from that last Bible study of the year is that "not all good things are God's things." (Renee Swope) While meeting the expectations of everyone who enters my life may feel necessary and important, not only is it impossible, but it's likely not in line with what God wants for my life. My goal? To walk in the Spirit. To respond to His still small voice and pursue the calling God has for my life. Often, that means saying "no" to people I care about so I can focus and doing what God's wants me to do, and doing it well.

Often, I feel as though I'm being pulled in a hundred different directions, and that still voice fades into the distance, drowned out by the noise of the demands of little mouths, the running of the dryer, and the endless annoying dinging of my phone. These responsibilities are important, but my goal, what I strive for, is to always put God first. As I was reminded by a recent devotion, it's ok to tell me five year old that I need a few minutes to read God's word. And how awesome is that for my child to see me making time for Him?

God, as I immerse myself in your Word, I know that I will hear your voice more clearly. You have stated that if I seek your Kingdom first, all these things will be added to me. Things I worry about but should place at the foot of the cross. I pray 2014 will bring me even closer to you. Amen.

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

Coming Home

Two days ago we made the 545 mile trip down to my hometown, Irmo, SC. Me and my little family. Every time it amazes me how well our boys travel. They watch movies. Jaden plays with his Mobi-go. They make imaginary monster truck tracks on their arm rests and legs and have a rally full of sound effects. They are my seasoned little travelers and take the extremely long trip in stride. Until we hit the last hour. Then all bets are off.

Even though we've done a lot of moving since we got married, when I come back to SC it always feels like home. I can rummage through the refrigerator and make a feast out of the latest snacks my mom has prepared. A drive through downtown does not ignite annoyance of the fear of getting lost or stuck on a one-way street. I sit and enjoy the ambience of the Christmas tree, which is always a 9 foot beauty which dominates my parents' vaulted ceilinged den, filled with ornaments commemorating their many trips, anniversaries, children's milestones and events, some older than I am.

Over the past month since my mother's stroke, which you can read about here, I've reflected on the love of family and how special that bond is. Differences between us and conflicts will rise, but the relationship that unites us will always be there. Sometimes it's placed on the back burner and expected to stay alive simply because it's there. Many of us develop the same sort of assuming behavior with our relationship with God. After all, he'll always love us, right?

But I don't want to live that way. As if I'll always have one more day, one more moment to make experiences and memories which will live in my heart and mind forever.  I know that one day, in God's perfect timing, my parents will be face to face with their Heavenly Father.  And even though I don't spend my time dwelling on that fact or in fear of it, I am certainly aware of its reality. For that reason, let me live in this day.  Not missing an opportunity to tell my Mom and Dad that I love them. That I appreciate them and everything they do to show they care.

As I watch my boys play with their Pa Pa's model train set and run around the house without a worry in the world, I remember what Jesus said during his earthly ministry. "Let all the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these." My silly, adventuresome boys who hug and kiss people they barely know. My little Jaden who instilled excitement in my nieces and nephews over saying the prayer before dinner.

I have no doubt my spirit will dwell with them in eternity, but we are given this one life here on earth to live, breathe, and let the Spirit of God shine through us. Let's not go another day taking it for granted.

"Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes."  James 4:14

Is God Enough?

I've walked the road of trying to fill myself with things other than God many, many times.  And every time, I have failed.  Whether it be staying busy, shopping for clothes I didn't need, or having one more drink, nothing sustained me and filled me like the grace and love God poured into my life when I sought Him for the first time.  It is a daily commitment and oftentimes, struggle, to keep Him at the center of my life, but as Paul writes in Galatians, "I have been crucified with Christ so I no longer live, but Christ lives in me."  It is only by the Spirit that I can live the life God has planned for me.  I make the decision to live by the Spirit instead the flesh moment by moment, day by day.  And when I fail, He is there to pick me up again when I return to his loving arms.  Although in this life we only catch little glimpse of his glory in comparison to what awaits us in Heaven, it is in those moments when I sense his presence and know I've done his will that I feel most complete.

Only Jesus, the name that is above all names and by which every knee shall bow, is enough. He is sufficient to cover my sin, to pay the the debt which I never could.  "For if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!" (Gal. 2:21)  Even though there are times I try to perform, behave, or meet some arbitrary standard of worthiness, I always find myself at the foot of the cross, the only place where I am righteous in the sight of God.

I believe many women spend their lives searching for that special friend or soul mate who truly "gets us." Who understands our little quirks and nuances.  Who doesn't get angry when we fall short because they understand we are only doing our best.  I spent much of my life trying to find that person as well.  But the truth is, God is in the only one in this universe, or any universe, who truly understands the depths of our being.  He made us and knows things about each one of us that we don't even grasp ourselves.  As in says in Psalm 139:1, "Oh Lord, you have searched me and you know me."  

Searched me.  Wow.  I don't know about you, but that statement blows my mind.  When I look up the word search in the dictionary some of the definitions which are listed are, "to examine thoroughly in order to find something," and some synonyms are "look through, forage for, seek, leave no stone unturned."  Is there anyone one this earth you can say has searched you?  My guess would be no.

I'm eternally grateful that I have a God who knows every aspect of me and my personality, yet loves me anyway, to walk through this life with me.  We will not leave this journey here on earth without battle wounds, some of us more than others.  But God's endless love and provision is enough to get us through to the finish line.  One of my favorite books in the Bible is Philippians, and it remind us that, "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Phil. 1:6)  When I remember this promise, I am filled with peace in the midst of the storm.

Why Worry?

Sometimes I imagine myself physically tossing my worries and 

anxiety into the ocean, to be swept away to a distant land.

Earlier this week I was practicing an act I've been prompted toward by some spiritual leaders in my life.  I was praying God's word and speaking his promises out loud.  This action is also mentioned in the opening chapters of a Bible study I've been doing, A Confident Heart by Renee Swope. I spent weeks resisting the idea because I felt silly walking around my house talking, seemingly, to myself, but the more I engaged myself the more I realized what I'd heard and read was true.  I wasn't distracted.  My mind wandered less frequently.  I felt conviction in what I was praying.

One of the verses I prayed during my time alone with God was Philippians 4:6, which gives a prescription for worry and anxiety.  Instead of feeling anxious, we are to trust God. We present our requests to Him.  We surrender our circumstances to Him and thank Him continually.  Then the peace of God will fill our hearts and minds, and we will be free.  Although the instructions are fairly simple and straightforward, often the practice of them is not as easy.  Or so I discovered as the day progressed.

I sat down later and began studying chapter nine of A Confident Heart, which is entitled, "When Doubt Whispers, 'I Can't Stop Worrying'" and was just finishing up a blog post when my Dad called.  He started the conversation with our normal small talk and then blurted out that my mom was in the hospital with symptoms of what she thought was a minor stoke.  The only word I heard in the entire summary was the word "stroke."  My independent, stubborn, seemingly healthy mom.  My mom who hasn't spent a day in a hospital since the birth of her children.  I tried to mask my nervousness by asking tons of questions.  Questions which he didn't have the answers to.  Tests and more tests were needed.  The ones they'd already conducted were inconclusive.  By the end of the phone call I realized that I could only do one thing.  Wait.

Like most people, I do not like waiting.  My parents live over five hundred miles away so my natural instinct, which was to jump in the car and race to the hospital, was not feasible.  My five-year-old was still in school, my youngest was napping, and after I called my husband and relayed the news, I was left alone in a quiet house with my thoughts.  Thoughts which, unless they are focused and filled prayer and God's Word, can become very dark and negative in those types of situations.

I believe that when I prayed from Philippians and read the chapter about worry that morning, God was preparing my heart and mind for the coming news.  As I waited for more information and test results I recited that verse again and again, focusing on the words and trusting that God would protect my mom.  I thanked him for all the blessings in my life.  As I focused on everything I had to be thankful for, the dark thoughts became less overwhelming.

My mom is being released from the hospital today, and although she will have to undergo physical therapy to regain function of her right arm and hand, which were affected, her spirits are high and her brain alert.  I am amazed not only by her strength and determination, but by God's provision and the many people who prayed, visited, and called.  She was surrounded by people who loved and supported her both near and far away.

Being given a stark reminder of your parent's mortality is heart wrenching.  As a child, you want to protect them from harm in the same way they watched over you as you were growing and return the act of love they communicated throughout life.  But when circumstances spin beyond control, you can turn inward or reach outward.  Toward the God who is sovereign and holds the whole world in the palm of his hand, toward friends and family who love you and love the people who mean the most.

As I look back on the past few days, I am amazed to see God's hand and how he cared for each of us.


"You go before me and follow me.  You place your hand of blessing on my head." Psalm 139:5 NLT

From Daydream to Reality

Exploring God's creation always offers excellent opportunities for 

daydreaming.

A couple of years ago when my family was living in northern Utah I took a creative writing course at a local arts council which was taught by a published author.  On the first day he gave us ten steps to be an effective writer and make writing a part of our lives, and one of the steps made me chuckle and think to myself "Yep, that's me." Daydream.  This is a step he'd personally added to a list of others which were commonly used by those in the field.  

I found it interesting because many would argue that daydreaming is not an effective use of one's time.  But yet here was an award-winning writer telling me that I should make this habit part of my daily routine, as it would help me better achieve my aspirations.  If I would allow my mind to wander and my imagination to soar, my thoughts would become words on paper, which would in turn become stories, novellas, and novels.  It was a revelation which I pondered for several days.  As a person who often is torn between a side of me that is creative, artistic and imaginative and another side which is very practical and down-to-earth, the practical side often overshadows the other when I feel the constant need to check items off my to-do list.

"Slow down," I often sense God saying.  I have things I want to tell you.  Plans I want to reveal to you.  Could this be tied into daydreaming?  Could an infinite God shape the thoughts of my finite mind and use his Spirit to place dreams within my thoughts, my heart?  I believe He can.  I know it.  I've experienced it.

Many times, my daydreaming has led me to hopes of becoming a published author, writing novels and books for ministry which would help transform lives and lead women to Jesus.  And then doubt will whisper, "That will never happen.  You're not good enough.  There are many writers out there who are better and have a more intriguing story to offer."  Over the years and the course of several Bible studies, I've realized there is also an Enemy who rules this world who would like nothing better than for me not to fulfill the plans God has for my life.  Spiritual warfare is not just a concoction made up by people who have wild imaginations or extensive paranoia.  It is a reality.

The truth is, when it comes to God's plan for my life, my knowledge isn't even at the tip of the iceberg.  He reveals little pieces of it day by day when I immerse myself in his Word and prayer.  Other days, when I fill my day with mindless tasks and neglect my relationship with Him, I feel lost.  It is a daily struggle but when I earnestly seek Him he never hides his face from me.  One thing I do know is that the dreams and desires within my heart were put there by God.  As it says in Psalm 139:1, "You have searched me, Lord, and you know me." 

As I continue this journey on earth before moving to my eternal destiny, the times that I feel most alive are those when I am embracing the personality, gifts, and dreams my Creator gave me.  Not when I'm comparing myself to others, conforming or competing, but accepting my role in the body of Christ.  I am still discovering what that role is, but the more I more He reveals to me, the more complete I am as the woman God created me to be in Christ Jesus.